What we want

October 3, 2010 at 8:41 am Leave a comment

We want what we want when we want it. Sometimes, if we’re lucky, we even get what we want. Wanting, dreaming, desiring; aren’t these the qualities that make us human, fallible, but also wonderful? Somewhere out there a man dreamed that he would sneak into the Twin Towers and walk across a cable between the two buildings. In that moment Philippe Petit became a legend (see the documentary Man On Wire for a riveting account of his exploits). Not all of us have such out there desires, but we all yearn to realize what we dream.

I don’t often stop to think to myself: this is what I want to achieve with my life. Maybe it’s because for most of my life I’ve battled depression or maybe it’s because so much of my energy has been poured into surgically correcting my body. But as I enter my third decade on spaceship earth I feel myself changing. As my surgeries near the end, for the time being at least, I am confronted with a life that has not been filled with a lot of happiness. I believe that I am capable of well-being and I’d like the chance to prove it.

1 – I want to build a family

Growing up, when everyone still thought I’d be a woman, I despised the thought of marriage, of giving birth, of being ordinary. I wanted to do great things, move big mountains, have a fantastic career. Unfortunately depression stopped me in my tracks. I can’t help feeling that I lost almost two decades of my life to this disease. It’s time that I can never get back. But I try to look at what I’ve overcome. I was rejected by my birth family and I made my own way out of the darkness into the light. Having lost a family once, I know how much family can mean to a person. I have friends in my life that I consider my chosen family. They are like brothers and sisters to me, and at times they have been my caretakers. I love them. But now it’s time for me to build my own family. I want a partner who loves me, and I imagine maybe even raising a child together. There it is.

2 – I want to live a meaningful life

I don’t know what makes life meaningful. If I had to guess, I’d say that having people in your life who you care about and who care about you, that’s what makes life worth living. I want to wake up each morning and feel that I am living my life to the fullest. That’s not been the case for me. In fact, more often than not I have tried to stay asleep as long as possible to avoid having to put on clothes and face the world. No more. Doing the right thing isn’t as straightforward as we’d like, but striving to do it, making the effort to do no harm, those are ideals I stand by.

(to be continued)


Entry filed under: Gender, Mental Health. Tags: , , .

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