This I believe

February 24, 2011 at 6:48 am Leave a comment

Truth is, I don’t know what I believe anymore.

Being trans makes you question everything about what you thought you knew about yourself and the world around you. For starters, it makes you question your own sanity. I know I certainly did. For most of my teen years I questioned whether there was something wrong with me, and I felt ashamed because I suspected the answer was yes. I looked around me and saw a world that made very little sense. My family moved around a lot and that only contributed to my confusion. The rules seemed to be constantly shifting, as did the language we spoke. I learned to fit in as best I could, and the fit was awkward at best. I carried with me the feeling that I didn’t belong — I thought I would never belong anywhere. I sank into a depression that cost me more than ten years of my life. I lost faith in myself. When belonging seems out of reach, we search for it in death. I know that’s where my mind turned.

Regaining trust in others, in myself, has been a slow process, and one I credit my friends and mentors for helping me with. We need others to support us, otherwise we shrivel like a plant, and die. I was lucky that I somehow managed to find instructors, healers, peers and friends who have stood by me while I fumbled my way through the darkness. Without that support, I believe I would not be alive today. Regain trust we must, if we are ever to reach that point in our life where we can begin to give back to those around us, to actually make a contribution to the world we belong to. And we all belong to the world. Every single one of us.

I don’t know whether transsexuality is a disease of the mind or body or both, whether it is caused by abuse or neglect, or whether it is an inherent flaw, a fault of nature, a symptom of a sick society. I suppose any of these is possible. Transitioning certainly didn’t feel like a choice to me. It felt like a necessity.

Whatever its origins may be, transsexuality as a phenomenon exists, and it applies to me. Here I am. A transsexual. Now what? How do I take this particular experience and transform it into something useful that can benefit others, and not just those who are trans? That is where I find myself now. At 31 I have reached a point in my life where I no longer care to justify my existence to those unwilling or unable to accept my presence in this world. Fact is I am here, broken / flawed / disfigured or whatever you may want to call me. I am here and I choose to be alive, to be true to my truth, the only truth I know. I believe I have something to contribute to this world just like everyone else.

My journey has involved a considerable amount of pain (both physical and emotional), I won’t deny that, but I am not bitter — not anymore. By telling my story I hope that if there are others out there who have been made to feel that they are less than human, or unworthy of love, life, and dignity, that they will see that healing is possible. I’m no expert on love or happiness but I’m learning as I go and the payoff is worth it. This I believe.

It seems I do believe in something after all.

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Entry filed under: Gender, Mental Health, Social Change, Transgender.

Is transsexualism unnatural?

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