Finding your path

March 9, 2011 at 7:14 am Leave a comment

Lately I’ve been struggling with what I want to do with my life. I have a job, health benefits, and a great group of co-workers. But I realize more and more that I’m not happy where I am. I recently asked a former teacher of mine what he thought I should do. He asked me what I wanted to do. I thought about it and realized that the only thing i really care about is writing. It’s hard making a go of it as a writer. You have to find a market for your work and people who value you enough to pay you for your labour. No easy task. My teacher told me that if I was serious about it, I needed to write a minimum of 4 to 5 hours a day. That’s commitment alright. I told him to stuff it; I already work full-time and hardly have enough hours in the day to run errands and visit with friends. But he’s right in a way. If I’m not willing to make that commitment, then I must not be ready to really embrace my destiny as a writer.

A lot of times it’s so easy to wait and wait for that special something to nudge you to your path. But what if that something never comes along? Do I really want to wake up 5 years from now without a career to speak of and still nursing a dream that I never attempted to realize? So many people in my life have encouraged me to write — and I’ve kept on telling myself the myriad reasons why it’s not a valid option. What’s not valid is continuing on with the life I’m currently living. I’m not happy, and only I can change that.

So, this is the challenge I set for myself: to write a book. From beginning to end. And then to sell it. What holds me back most when even imagining this possibility is that writing is such a solitary activity. It’s hard to feel that anyone cares what you’re doing when you’re ramming your head into the keyboard and the ideas just won’t come. It’s so easy, at that point to want to give up. No one cares anyway, you tell yourself. But I think the benefit of pushing through will make it worth it.

I already know what I want to write about. I’ve had a rich life, a peculiar life. Whether it’s getting dragged down into depression, to watching friends slip away, or losing my family because of my transgender identity. Often when I’m with friends socially I find myself at a loss for words. I get worried that if I tell them about my life, they won’t want anything to do with me and my strange tale, so instead I silence myself, in effect guaranteeing that the friendship we have will never move beyond superficial. Living life hiding oneself, is not much fun. It’s kind of like settling for that comfortable job with the good benefits. It may be OK, but it’s not great. And life is too short not to be great.

 

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Entry filed under: Business.

self-hate and the transsexual Transsexualism: Identity or process

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